By Collin Obremski and Tim Turner
Unbeknownst to many, Catholics aren’t the only ones who celebrate the 40 days of Lent. For those who don’t know, many Christians celebrate the 40 days preceding Easter by giving up something important to them to honor God. Jesus himself spent 40 days of prayer and fasting in the wilderness to prepare for his time of ministry. We here at Jesufied realize that for most people, the Biblical 40 days of prayer and fasting is asking for a little too much. Thus, we’ve come up with a list of ten things that will allow you to fulfill your religious duty of sacrifice in the Lenten season, but also allow you to keep living! So here we present Jesufied’s ten easiest things to give up for lent:
10. Mayonnaise
If we were in Europe we might have to say Ketchup, but we aren’t a bunch of mayonnaise eating foreigners, so mayonnaise is the only condiment showing up on this list today. Mayonnaise is like those kids at school whose parents are still married and were married BEFORE they decided to have children. It just thinks it is better than the rest of the condiments. Mayonnaise will never have to ask its parents if it was an accident, because it is just too complicated to make. It is also one of those condiments that you are never quite sure you have, because you use it so infrequently. However the biggest reason to give up mayonnaise is because it is simply inferior to Miracle Whip. Most people think they eat mayonnaise, but they in fact eat a Kraft product that is 10x better than this crap.
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9. Vegetarianism
Sometimes a Lenten sacrifice will go so much further than just a religious duty, but will benefit you AND the fledgling economy. By sacrificing vegetarianism, you give your body the necessary proteins that have been withheld from it for so long. You’re also helping stimulate the fledgling economy by keeping hundreds of thousands of meat farmers, meat transporters, and meat sellers in business. Lastly, It’s also an act of double reverence for God. You’re not only sacrificing for lent, you’re also happily using His gift of animals to the world.
8. Axe Body Spray
We have all seen their series of what shall be refereed to as the “bring on the hos commercials.” However as prepubescent boys we can’t say your editors didn’t by the stuff. After spraying it for the first time, we realized this was not going to attract any women. Most guys have several cans of this stuff lying around in their bedrooms or bathrooms. In fact if anyone approaches you wearing axe, you are free to make a number of assumptions about them and their intentions. The only scent that gives an aura of desperation more is Curve cologne. So if you are one of the few who actually do where this stuff, giving it up for lent should just be the first step on a long road to recovery.
7. Recycling
This is a perfect thing to give up for lent because it’s such a natural action and life choice. Instead of immediately throwing your junk mail into your home recycling bin, stop for a second in reverence, then happily throw it away in the trash. This goes for plastics (#’s 1-6), glassware, corrugated cardboard, old electronics, and anything else you might think of recycling.
6. Pay-per-view
PPV is where most programming that normal people don’t want to watch ends up. They also charge you an exorbitant price because the d-bags who came up with this system apparently didn’t think $100/month cable bills were enough. If you are one of the few people who have watched PPV in the last year then you are either a wrestling fan, UFC fan, or boxing ban, and there probably isn’t any hope for you anyways. Also, do you want to celebrate the time Jesus spent fasting by watching some roid-raged idiots beat the crap out of each other.
5. Expedited Shipping
We know that today’s shopper doesn’t just shop at old-skool brick & mortar stores only anymore, opting for internet shopping many times because of cheaper prices. No one ever uses paltry ground shipping anymore, but waiting a few more days won’t hurt will it? Now, if you’ve made the plunge into Amazon Prime, we’re willing to work with you here. Since two day expedited shipping is default to Prime, just don’t upgrade to the overnight shipping for $4.99 option.
4. ShamWow
Here is how you go without a ShamWow for 40 days: Buy a towel. I know the headset mic makes the guy in the commercial seem very official, but seriously do you want a product that he probably stole from the Pittsburgh Steelers locker room. Also it says it holds 12 times its weight in liquid, but they try to give you eight of them for $19.99. What are you doing that you need eight ShamWows? Maybe you should consider giving that up, because it sounds like a very messy hobby. General rule of thumb, never by a towel that comes with a 10-year warranty, because it is probably a scam.
3. Emo
It’s unbelievable how natural it is to have completely non-functioning hair styles and to wear extremely odd looking and uncomfortable clothing. So this is a perfect thing to sacrifice for lent. Next time you go to your hairstylist in the next 40 days, just ask that your reverse mullet be turned into something like a normal men’s or women’s hairstyle. Men, instead of opting for wearing women’s clothing, just try wearing men’s clothing. Women, you know… Just look normal for a change.
2. Google Chrome
When the inventors of the internet decided to release a web browser, internet nerds across the world went nuts. Finally something that would let us view the internet from our computers that wasn’t Firefox, Internet Explorer, Safari, Opera, AOL, or the now defunct Netscape. This should be a pretty easy one to give up, because it turns out Chrome sucks and nobody uses it anyways. One of your editors is happy he didn’t go along with his Googlefied project, a year using only Google alternatives, or he would have hated writing every word of this post.
1. Giving to the poor
This one is easy. Every time you feel the need to give to people in need, just don’t do it! You know how some people play the “Free Parking” rule in Monopoly? Where if you ever owe the bank any money, you just put it in the middle of the board, and when someone lands on the otherwise useless “Free Parking,” they get the pot of cash. Just treat it like that. Every time you “land” on an opportunity to give, just put it in your free parking stash. Just look at Easter as landing on “Free Parking” and go buy yourself a new flat screen on that day. We know that it’s very hard to not give to those in need because of the guilt, but this is definitely a worthy sacrifice.
We here at Jesufied hope that we’ve made the religious duty of Lent a little easier on you this Easter season. Remember to let us know how everything turns out and how you were able to do the least possible to score God points!
Christian Media, Commentary | Collin | 
March 1, 2009 12:26 am | 
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